I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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