Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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