i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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