May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
