I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
