Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
