My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
