i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
