You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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