Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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