oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I need a beard to bite.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
