Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
