this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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