3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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