Umm I'm too high to move.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
