I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I need moral support for this bender
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize