im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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