He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
