Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
