i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
