her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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