I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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