The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
