I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
i am craving dick and cupcakes
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
