theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
