I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
is it fun? or sober?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
