thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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