Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
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