i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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