so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
