wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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