So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
