Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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