I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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