If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
