at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize