Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
