I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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