i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
