If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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