i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
