So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
