Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
