No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
