Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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