i permit you to call me
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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