but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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