she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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