Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
