a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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