My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
