Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
