I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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