Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
