Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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