I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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