I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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