What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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