I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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