I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
