he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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