also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
